An Escalator Kind of Day...

Have you ever had one of those days where you are staring at the face of an impossible mountain?  But instead of climbing up the mountain it feels like you are running against a fast-moving escalator? Every step forward takes you three steps backwards.  You are out of breath and exhausted, but you look around and realize there are only two ways to exit the moving stairs.

You could just give up and be dragged back to square one. That would be okay, except that you are not the only one climbing the stairs.  There are people behind you.  So as your lifeless body is overtaken by gravity, those that are in your path would also be taken down with you.  Most likely, you and everyone else will experience a less-than-soft landing on the solid, unwelcoming, ground below.  People will suffer injuries—bumps and bruises, scrapes, and perhaps some broken bones. 

As you continue scaling the agonizing stairs you realize that giving up is really not a possibility after all.  The only option you have is to keep going.  Even then, it is likely that your body will sustain injuries—possible weak or torn muscles, chest pain, shortness of breath, headache, nausea. 

The only way to conquer this challenge is to tap into an alternate energy source.  In other words, reach deep into your soul and find some type of inspiration to keep your body from collapsing. It may be the toughest obstacle you have ever faced, but imagine the feeling when you eventually reach the top.  Joy. Relief. Excitement.  Accomplishment.

Today has been one of those conquer-the-escalator days.  And I will be honest: it is not the first time I have experienced this.  And I am confident that today is probably not the last encounter either. Each day brings its own set of challenges but there are some days when it is just too much.  People’s unrealistic expectations, the negative comments, the mounting to-do list, the surrounding desperation, the schedule, the sleep deprivation, the language!  It is all just too overwhelming. 

I think the main reason all of this is so difficult is because I am somewhat of a perfectionist.  I am a people-pleaser and I don’t like making mistakes.  In my ‘previous’ life, these characteristics were advantageous.  I was a sign language interpreter, working full-time in hospitals and medical clinics.  Making a mistake was highly discouraged, to say the least.  A mistake could mean the difference between an appendix surgery and a leg amputation.  Okay, so maybe that is a little far-fetched, but a slight mistake could mean that my patient gets 200 mg of tramadol instead of the prescribed 20 mg of trazodone.  So, my perfectionism was appreciated in the hospitals. 

Now it is a different story.  I have been called to a place that I know nothing about.  I am not a trained teacher.  I have never been to seminary.  And I don’t speak Luganda.  That is a whole lot of NEW all at one time.  Needless to say, there have been a lot of mistakes made.

Currently, my biggest frustration is the language.  As if learning one language isn’t difficult enough, I am learning two new languages at the same time: Luganda and Ugandan Sign Language. The sign language has not caused me much of a headache.  I am pretty sure my brain was wired for it.  Plus, I have studied ASL—its grammar, syntax, morphemes, lexicalizations…all that linguistic stuff.  Granted, ASL and USL are very different from each other, sign language seems to come pretty natural for me. 

Spoken language, on the other hand, does not.  For the past six months, a friend from church has been helping me learn some vocabulary.  He has been amazingly patient and we have had a lot of fun.  Recently, I have begun hearing comments from people at church that I should be able to ‘understand everything in Luganda now’ and that I should ‘only speak in Luganda.’  My initial thought to all of these comments is, “Umm…excuse me. Did you become fluent in English in only six months? No? Okay, didn’t think so.”  (Most times I exercise self-control and just keep that comment to myself…most times.)

But in order to become fluent in Luganda, I have to practice speaking it, right?  Well, every time I attempt to practice, people laugh.  Whether I pronounce words correctly or incorrectly I am followed by a cloud of laughter.  And this is where the whole ‘perfectionist’ dilemma comes in.  I don’t like being laughed at.  Especially when I am trying my best to adapt to their language, their culture, their everything.  I now find myself avoiding Luganda conversations.  When people rattle off a ton of Luganda to me, knowing that I don’t understand but simply wanting to laugh at my reaction, I casually say, “Simanyi” and do my best to duck out of the area.  I am essentially allowing the Luganda escalator to drag me down.  Now I know some of these people probably have good intentions of forcing me to learn, but little do they know, it is not encouraging. 

For the past week or two, I have been harboring a bad attitude about learning Luganda. 

Today, God convicted me of my attitude. He reminded me that He hasn’t called me here for my own enjoyment.  He has called me here to serve Him. 
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Sometimes that means my day will be filled with giggling babies, laugh-til-your-tummy-hurts conversations with friends, smile-til-your-face-hurts experiences, a focused agenda, and a confident assurance that I am walking hand-in-hand with Jesus.  Other times, it means that I will be extremely insecure and distracted, pondering serious self-doubts, and consumed by emotions and unanswered questions. Whether my eyes are filled with tears of laughter or tears of frustration, one thing remains the same—God’s faithful promise to never leave me or forsake me. (Deut. 31:6)

Therefore I do not lose heart. Though outwardly I am wasting away, yet inwardly I am being renewed day by day.  For my light and momentary troubles are achieving an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

That right there is quite a reality check, but I have also been reminded of this: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” Colossians 3:23 

Though my instinct is to satisfy the desires of others, I must keep focused on the mission that God has entrusted to me, and to you.  He has called all of us to worship Him and Him alone, making no room for idols in our lives.  I have identified and recognized my weaknesses.  Now I must guard my heart from the intrusion of idols and the relentless distractions from the world.  To do this, requires daily surrender and an intentional decision to seek God’s face.  Every thought needs to be taken captive and every decision needs to be scrutinized to be sure that I am walking in the will of God.

It is often said that “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

I will be the first in line to tell you that that is a lie—He WILL and DOES give you more than you can handle.  There are a lot of things in life that I am not so sure about, but that is not one of them.  Recently, I asked God to draw me in and teach me a deeper level of dependency on Him.  Well, folks, that is exactly what He is doing.  And it is uncomfortable and awkward and painful.  There are days when I just want to curl up in bed with my snuggly, purple snowflake, fleece blanket and cry.  (Today is one of those days, but there is no time for crying now.) But through it all, good or bad, I know that Jesus is standing alongside me, hand-in-hand, showing me the next step to take.

I am currently running up the ‘Learn Luganda Escalator.”  My mind is exhausted and it is tempting to just give up.  Fortunately, I am not scaling this travelling staircase alone.  God is with me and I cannot wait until I am able to experience the magnificent view from the top.