Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I Am Not Brave...


Brave (brāv) adjective

1.  Feeling or showing no fear : not afraid
2. Possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance
3. Having or showing courage, especially when facing danger, difficulty, or pain

According to online dictionaries, this is what it means to be brave. 
Growing up and transitioning into adulthood I was taught to be brave. I think we all have, am I right?  As a child I watched cartoons with superheroes rescuing people from burning buildings.  When I fell and skinned my knees on the concrete, or stubbed my toe on the bedpost, I was encouraged to "be tough" and not cry.  In college our motto was "fake it 'til you make it."  In other words, don't let people see you sweat and for sure, don't let them know how you really feel.
Over the last few months  I have shared my story with dozens of people, resulting in numerous conversations and a lot of questions.  Most commonly,  am I scared?  and am I nervous?  I always answer them the same way.  I tell them that I am not scared.  I am excited to see my babies fall in love with Jesus, ready to see families restored, and eager to witness lives being transformed by Christ.
All of that is true, except for the "I'm not scared" part.  
I didn't realize how afraid I was until today.  For months I have been floating in the clouds, thrilled and humbled to follow Jesus on this journey.  I have refused to entertain any thought or emotion that seemed negative or unproductive.  Fortunately for me, Jesus got ahold of my heart and brought to the surface all the feelings and emotions that I have been trying so hard to hide.  Like, what if I disappoint the people who are expecting me to do great?  What if I fail to relate and communicate with the children I am called to minister to?  How do I leave my best friend behind and pretend that I will be okay without her being right around the corner? 
These are just a few of the questions and concerns that have been strolling through my head recently.  Today, I was gently reminded of this:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Psalm 139:23-24
 

It is easy for me to hide my true feelings from people who don't really know me.  Some people who know me really well may even be fooled by my faux-bravery.  God, on the other hand, is never fooled by me.  He knows me better than I know myself.

The emotions that I have been feeling are real.  God created us to be emotional beings and it was unfair to Him for me to deny and suppress the blessings that He built into me.  Now, I know some of you are probably thinking about the well-known verse that says, "God did not give you the spirit of fear..." However, I believe that He allows us to feel that way sometimes in order to bring Him the most glory.  My recent nervousness and anxiety has made me very aware of my  weakness and insufficiency.  By recognizing that fear, I have become much more aware of my need for Him. 
Am I going to disappoint people? Probably.  Will I make mistakes trying to navigate two new languages in a foreign country and culture? Definitely.  And there is no doubt that leaving my 'other half' is going to be one of the most painful parts about this move.  All of that means that I will have to press into Him more than ever. 
As children, we are conditioned to avoid using the word "can't."  But truth is, I can't do this.  I can't give up everything I know and I can't meet the needs of my deaf babies in Uganda--not without Christ at the helm, guiding my steps and my words.
I can't live up to people's expectations and I can't save souls.  But Jesus can.
I can't be a perfect missionary because I am not perfect.  But Jesus is.
God has not asked me to do His job, He has simply asked me to be obedient and depend on Him.  I can do that.  Not because of my own ability, but because He is equipping me for the mission.

For a long time now I have been wearing my 'brave' mask.  But I am not brave. I am not courageous.  I am not fearless--especially when it comes to danger, and pain, and scary things like spiders and giant African rats!  I am just not brave.
You may think I am brave when I talk about where God is leading me, but I don't want there to be any confusion. My 'bravery' mask has turned into a 'confidence' mask because I am confident in Christ.  I trust that He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it. And I believe that The Lord Himself will go before me, never to leave me or forsake me.



Monday, January 6, 2014

A Declaration

I have learned to love quiet times like today.  Outside is cold and dreary, but inside is nice and cozy.  I am wrapped in a fluffy fleece blanket, sipping on creamy hot chocolate--with extra chocolate. :) 
It isn't often that I can just sit here, without an agenda and without being rushed.  All is quiet and it is the perfect opportunity to reflect on all the awesomeness God has been doing in my life lately.

Constantly, I am reminded of the peace that He has placed in my heart.  I am often asked if I am scared or nervous about the road that lies ahead.  I can honestly answer with, "No, not at all."  God has completely protected me from any fear or anxiety.  He has been holding my heart in His hands and not allowed my faith to be shaken.  But don't misunderstand, my heart has definitely been breaking.  In fact, it is hard to recall a time when my heart was this shattered.  It takes enormous strength to hold back tears when I tell people about the deaf kids I have met in Uganda--their desire for love, acceptance, and healing. Their need for hope in Jesus Christ.

At times I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster.  There are days when I am ready to face this challenge head-on, like a confident superhero sent into battle with a secret-weapon cape.  Other days I see the magnitude of despair and wonder how I am so 'lucky' to be entrusted with such a massive mission.  It isn't that I don't want to, because believe me, there is no place on earth I would rather be than with those babies, telling them stories about an amazing savior named Jesus.  But there are times when I feel completely inadequate. 

I'm just being transparent, y'all. God has given me a glimpse into my future.  There will be mountains to scale, suffering to endure, and uncertainty to persevere through. God has shown me these daunting tasks, but He has also reminded me of His strength and promise to go before me.  (Deut 31:8)  I know that there will be tough days ahead, but I also know that I will experience a joy like I have never known.  Deaf children will begin their walk with Jesus.  Families will be restored.  Faith, hope, and love will radiate the hearts of Busega Community.

Lately, I have been finding myself at a loss for words about where God has me. I have tried to find the right adjectives and emotions to describe what this feels like and I have come to the conclusion that there are no words to adequately explain the feeling we get when we know God it actively working in our lives and in the lives of the ones we love.  It is a calming peace, a thrilling excitement, a longing anticipation, and a relentless trust all wrapped up--and you see--that still is not a satisfactory list.  Regardless of my lack of words, I know that God is in control and is leading every step I take as I continue to discover His will, and His journey for me.  He has placed a new love in my heart and a passion like I have never known.

I want nothing more than to see Christ living through those kids and their families. 
It is going to happen. 
God is going to radically change their hearts and rescue souls.

Please declare this with me.