Monday, September 22, 2014

In Ten Years...

Last Sunday, Pastor posed a question to the people seated in the second service of King Jesus Church.  He asked us to turn to the person sitting beside us as describe to them where we see ourselves in the next 10 years.  A fairly simple enquiry, right?  I am sure all of us have been asked the very same question numerous times before.  I can personally think of at least a few instances—during conferences and trainings at work; on ministry and job applications; and while lying on my living room floor, laughing and pondering life during girls’ night in with Randa.

Many of us have spent countless hours contemplating and planning our future.  I have even known someone that has gone as far as typing out a detailed timeline of events—self-determined deadlines for marriage, children, career change, etc.  Now I have been known to be borderline Type A, but I just can’t imagine my life revolving around such time restraints, human-generated time limits at that.

 My view of this topic has not always been what it is now.  If someone would have asked me ten years ago where I expected my life to be when I turned 30…there is not a chance under heaven that I would have said, “Oh, you know, living somewhere in Africa; mentoring eleven deaf children; leading Sunday School at a church that barely speaks English.” And I probably would not have said anything about having to deal with the effects of child neglect, witnessing widespread poverty, or facing uncharted territory in the area of international cultural barriers.  And I would definitely not have said, “Oh, by the way, let me quit my $50k interpreting career for all of this.”

Ten years ago I was a ‘typical’ 20-year-old girl. I enjoyed hanging out with friends, catching movies on the weekends, and I was not the slight bit interested in all that “God stuff.”  Growing up in 20th century America, I had fallen victim to the “American Dream” propaganda that plagues the minds of citizens across the nation.  The only way to live a fulfilling life, I thought, was to accomplish the checklist of requirements that had been handed to me from society.  So, I was pursing the college degree and I imagined that in the few years to follow, I would settle in a nice house located in a quiet suburb somewhere in the Tennessee/Kentucky area—not so cold, and not so far from home.  At some point, I was hoping to marry and begin a family.  You know, accomplishing the things I was ‘supposed’ to accomplish.

Well, besides the college degree, NONE of that has happened.

But before you (or I) get discouraged, let’s reexamine where life has brought me in the last 10 years (the CliffsNotes version):

·         I began a degree in radiology…and finished seven years later with a degree in Sign Language Interpreting.
·         On my way to acquiring my degree, I moved to Indiana, attended a Christian college and found Jesus.
·         At the end of my college career, I took an internship with a company in Charlotte, North Carolina. Upon graduation, this same company hired me in their Raleigh office.
·         There, I got connected to an amazing church—one that believes in and lives out the Gospel; one that helps people follow Jesus; one that partners with friends in Uganda.
·         In July, 2012 I joined Journey Church on a mission trip to Jinja, Uganda.  God used that trip to capture my heart for a population of people desperate for His love.
·         After much prayer and extensive planning, I moved to Uganda on February 16, 2014.

And that is where I find myself today—thousands of miles from home (approximately 7585 miles, in case you were wondering) and light years away from where I thought my life was going to take me.

I mentioned above that I would never have envisioned the struggles that I face living in Uganda.  But now is a good time to add that I also did not envision the peace, contentment, and joy that He has given to me either.  I am thankful that my life didn’t turn out the way I had planned. Had my plans come to pass, I would be missing out on so much. Like watching my babies begin to discover themselves through the eyes of God.  And watching them transform physically and emotionally as their newly-found language begins to open doors for them in school, at home, and in the community.  Had God chosen not to intervene, I would have missed out on an amazing extended family—Aunties and Uncles at church that encourage myself and many others to run this race with perseverance; brothers that make me laugh til my tummy hurts because the joy of the Lord overflows abundantly from their hearts; sisters that genuinely love Jesus and have allowed Him to consume their lives for the sake of knowing Him more.  If my life was left up to me, I would have missed the opportunity to experience God on another level. I would not be seeking his heart the way I am now, nor would I be able to discern his hand at work in my life.  Many years ago I had decided that I only wanted to have two children but, instead, God has given me dozens of them.  I look forward to seeing their glowing smiles each day and hearing them giggle as we share Bible stories and play red-light-green-light and the ‘stick game’. Without this life-altering detour I would have missed the daily molding and sculpting that God is working in my heart to make me the woman He wants me to me. I would be missing out on this incredible journey and also missing out on the call He has for me. 

I know for sure that living in Uganda is not the fulfillment of my own dreams—if that were the case, every day would be a fairytale. There would be less tears and fewer frustrations because I would be doing exactly what I wanted to do. 

No, this was not my dream.  This is and always has been His dream.  But somewhere along the way His dream and His will has become the desire of my heart.  Ten years ago, I would have never imagined that I would be where I am now…but now that He has brought me here, I cannot imagine my life anywhere else. And in another ten years, who knows where I will be?  Only He knows and I pray that even then, my life will continue to be lived in obedience as a reflection of Him.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

An Escalator Kind of Day...

Have you ever had one of those days where you are staring at the face of an impossible mountain?  But instead of climbing up the mountain it feels like you are running against a fast-moving escalator? Every step forward takes you three steps backwards.  You are out of breath and exhausted, but you look around and realize there are only two ways to exit the moving stairs.

You could just give up and be dragged back to square one. That would be okay, except that you are not the only one climbing the stairs.  There are people behind you.  So as your lifeless body is overtaken by gravity, those that are in your path would also be taken down with you.  Most likely, you and everyone else will experience a less-than-soft landing on the solid, unwelcoming, ground below.  People will suffer injuries—bumps and bruises, scrapes, and perhaps some broken bones. 

As you continue scaling the agonizing stairs you realize that giving up is really not a possibility after all.  The only option you have is to keep going.  Even then, it is likely that your body will sustain injuries—possible weak or torn muscles, chest pain, shortness of breath, headache, nausea. 
The only way to conquer this challenge is to tap into an alternate energy source.  In other words, reach deep into your soul and find some type of inspiration to keep your body from collapsing. It may be the toughest obstacle you have ever faced, but imagine the feeling when you eventually reach the top.  Joy. Relief. Excitement.  Accomplishment.

Today has been one of those conquer-the-escalator days.  And I will be honest: it is not the first time I have experienced this.  And I am confident that today is probably not the last encounter either. Each day brings its own set of challenges but there are some days when it is just too much.  People’s unrealistic expectations, the negative comments, the mounting to-do list, the surrounding desperation, the schedule, the sleep deprivation, the language!  It is all just too overwhelming. 

I think the main reason all of this is so difficult is because I am somewhat of a perfectionist.  I am a people-pleaser and I don’t like making mistakes.  In my ‘previous’ life, these characteristics were advantageous.  I was a sign language interpreter, working full-time in hospitals and medical clinics.  Making a mistake was highly discouraged, to say the least.  A mistake could mean the difference between an appendix surgery and a leg amputation.  Okay, so maybe that is a little far-fetched, but a slight mistake could mean that my patient gets 200 mg of tramadol instead of the prescribed 20 mg of trazodone.  So, my perfectionism was appreciated in the hospitals. 

Now it is a different story.  I have been called to a place that I know nothing about.  I am not a trained teacher.  I have never been to seminary.  And I don’t speak Luganda.  That is a whole lot of NEW all at one time.  Needless to say, there have been a lot of mistakes made.

Currently, my biggest frustration is the language.  As if learning one language isn’t difficult enough, I am learning two new languages at the same time: Luganda and Ugandan Sign Language. The sign language has not caused me much of a headache.  I am pretty sure my brain was wired for it.  Plus, I have studied ASL—its grammar, syntax, morphemes, lexicalizations…all that linguistic stuff.  Granted, ASL and USL are very different from each other, sign language seems to come pretty natural for me. 

Spoken language, on the other hand, does not.  For the past six months, a friend from church has been helping me learn some vocabulary.  He has been amazingly patient and we have had a lot of fun.  Recently, I have begun hearing comments from people at church that I should be able to ‘understand everything in Luganda now’ and that I should ‘only speak in Luganda.’  My initial thought to all of these comments is, “Umm…excuse me. Did you become fluent in English in only six months? No? Okay, didn’t think so.”  (Most times I exercise self-control and just keep that comment to myself…most times.)

But in order to become fluent in Luganda, I have to practice speaking it, right?  Well, every time I attempt to practice, people laugh.  Whether I pronounce words correctly or incorrectly I am followed by a cloud of laughter.  And this is where the whole ‘perfectionist’ dilemma comes in.  I don’t like being laughed at.  Especially when I am trying my best to adapt to their language, their culture, their everything.  I now find myself avoiding Luganda conversations.  When people rattle off a ton of Luganda to me, knowing that I don’t understand but simply wanting to laugh at my reaction, I casually say, “Simanyi” and do my best to duck out of the area.  I am essentially allowing the Luganda escalator to drag me down.  Now I know some of these people probably have good intentions of forcing me to learn, but little do they know, it is not encouraging. 

For the past week or two, I have been harboring a bad attitude about learning Luganda. 
Today, God convicted me of my attitude. He reminded me that He hasn’t called me here for my own enjoyment.  He has called me here to serve Him. 
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Sometimes that means my day will be filled with giggling babies, laugh-til-your-tummy-hurts conversations with friends, smile-til-your-face-hurts experiences, a focused agenda, and a confident assurance that I am walking hand-in-hand with Jesus.  Other times, it means that I will be extremely insecure and distracted, pondering serious self-doubts, and consumed by emotions and unanswered questions. Whether my eyes are filled with tears of laughter or tears of frustration, one thing remains the same—God’s faithful promise to never leave me or forsake me. (Deut. 31:6)

Therefore I do not lose heart. Though outwardly I am wasting away, yet inwardly I am being renewed day by day.  For my light and momentary troubles are achieving an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
That right there is quite a reality check, but I have also been reminded of this: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” Colossians 3:23 
Though my instinct is to satisfy the desires of others, I must keep focused on the mission that God has entrusted to me, and to you.  He has called all of us to worship Him and Him alone, making no room for idols in our lives.  I have identified and recognized my weaknesses.  Now I must guard my heart from the intrusion of idols and the relentless distractions from the world.  To do this, requires daily surrender and an intentional decision to seek God’s face.  Every thought needs to be taken captive and every decision needs to be scrutinized to be sure that I am walking in the will of God.

It is often said that “God will never give you more than you can handle.”
I will be the first in line to tell you that that is a lie—He WILL and DOES give you more than you can handle.  There are a lot of things in life that I am not so sure about, but that is not one of them.  Recently, I asked God to draw me in and teach me a deeper level of dependency on Him.  Well, folks, that is exactly what He is doing.  And it is uncomfortable and awkward and painful.  There are days when I just want to curl up in bed with my snuggly, purple snowflake, fleece blanket and cry.  (Today is one of those days, but there is no time for crying now.) But through it all, good or bad, I know that Jesus is standing alongside me, hand-in-hand, showing me the next step to take.

I am currently running up the ‘Learn Luganda Escalator.”  My mind is exhausted and it is tempting to just give up.  Fortunately, I am not scaling this travelling staircase alone.  God is with me and I cannot wait until I am able to experience the magnificent view from the top.